I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
