i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
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