areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
