Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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