At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
