Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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