We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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