Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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