HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
