I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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