I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
