i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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