Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
