I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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