you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
