I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize