You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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