remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
