if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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