I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Randomize
