Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
