I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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