my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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