I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
