hell yes lets make some ravioli
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
