Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Vodka?
Forever.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
