She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
