my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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