I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize
