I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize