I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
