I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
