I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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