I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Randomize
