I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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