I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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