Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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