ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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