No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I checked into jail on foursquare
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
