You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
