i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
