I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
