I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
