I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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