My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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