Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Found the puke drawer
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
