I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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