Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
