9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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