he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
