hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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