Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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