It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
