i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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