i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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