In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My penis needs a shock collar
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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