yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
