sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Randomize
