My underwear smells like fireworks.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize