my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
