I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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