I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
